Good Enough

Long time no post! My life is a nutshell is always a roller coaster. My work life is getting better, but my love life is not. I’m still trying to let go of my “friend”. It’s a work in progress, but re-reading my last blog made me cry. For the past two days, that’s all I seem to do is cry. But enough of that, let me get to my point/rant for the day.

Throughout my life, I come across questions that resonate from my soul. The most recent question… “Why does it seem to be that I am not good enough”? A tear escapes my eye just replaying the line in my head.

Here I am: 27, single, alone, no children, and mostly stressed from everyday challenges. I have been engaged before, even had a few “I thought this was going to be long-lasting relationship,” but the end result is clear… I end up alone. And to make matters worse, I have ex-lovers regretting their decision and wanting me back. But, they don’t want ME back; they want a piece of me, usually sexually. I detest with every fiber of my being that all I am good for is a piece of ass. Yes, I am a generous lover, a confident one as well; but, that is all you can remember about me?

What about how understanding I am, my compassion, my witty sense of humor, and the ability to accept you for who you are? No, we go straight for how I made your toes curl or eyes roll in the back of your head. How I made you high five Jesus and speak in different tongues. Sex is only one part of a relationship, and nowadays, it seems to be the only factor. There is something wrong with this picture. Ladies and gentlemen, I am done! I want to tell the universe to please stop sending me people who have wasted my time and taken my heart for granted.

One day I will find my person, it’s just not today. And, certainly not an ex who had something great with me 7 years ago! I was ALWAYS good enough, it just took you too long to realize, and that’s unfortunate on your behalf… not mine.

I Just Want To Be

For the past month, my life has been one hell of a joyride. I did the most unbelievable thing to not only myself, but to another party.

When you have crossed the line, can you go too far?

That question/statement has been constantly echoing in my head since the beginning.

A friend and I have passed the “friend’s zone” and took a one way ticket to Lover’s Land. Well, I can’t say one way because we have taken that trip more than once. If I could pick one word to describe how I am feeling, then it would be torn. I care for this partner in crime so much. Why wouldn’t I? We are friends. I am feeling torn or conflicted because I’m not sticking to my original words. I said that I would not fall for him. But you know what folks, I think that I have fallen.

I do have my reasons, plenty to be exact! But with him, I feel as if I wouldn’t have to settle. He is all that I want in a man. All of it! The good and the bad. He is such an amazing person, and the HEART that he possess is so big! I feel like he is the YIN to my YANG or vice verse. We compliment each other so well, and motivate the other to succeed in life. And, do you know what scares the the most?

What if his feelings are not the same?

I am a Scorpio, to the fullest. The most emotional sign of the zodiac. However, do not mistaken my emotions/heart as a weakness. Because if a person were to hurt me, they eventually would know in due time. He’s not emotional, damn Virgo. So, I don’t know how he feels. I have no clue if what we have shared is special to him. I’m trying not to over think our situation, but it can be difficult for me not to. I need to: Focus on what is directly in front of me. I’m trying to take this one day at a time. But is it a crime to want more?

When we are together, everything is good, everything is great. He even makes comments like: “Erin, you know, you’re like my pseudo-girlfriend.” Why do I have to be the fake girlfriend, why can I just be?

One of his favorite R & B songs is: “If I Ever Fall in Love” by Shai. I can relate to this song. I feel as if the girl is me, here is the chorus: “And if I ever, ever fall, in love again. I will make sure that the lady is a friend. And if I ever fall in love, so true. I will make sure that the lady is just like you.” Do you see what I am saying? What is wrong with her. If she is everything you want or need in a woman, why do you have to look for it elsewhere? I use to love this song, but now it haunts me.

I have the answer to my dilemma. I need to end what we have and just stay friends. I cannot dwell on something that will never happen. I say this because if he wanted to date me or be with me, it would have already happened. And that is not only the truth or realistic, it’s also very logical. Maybe one day he will realize what I truly have to offer and stop making excuses. But that is not today. And I will not let someone in my heart for false promises and hope. I have been through too much in my life, and I don’t think I want another disappointment.

I wish this man the best in life, and the woman that can tame his heart will be a very special lady. I need to move on and hope he wishes the same for me when I find the one.

Thoughtful Thursday

It seems as if I only vent on Thursdays. What is also funny, I started my WordPress on a Thursday. I have been told that people are more “emotional” on the day he/she was born on… go figure, mine happens to be a Thursday.  Ok, I have made three factors about today, so I’ll stop it with the facts and get down to why I am posting.

Today seems somewhat melancholy. I guess New England weather can do that for you. Besides the leaves changing color, in which I LOVE, there seems to be a thick air of sadness roaming around me. I know why… this time of the year is never good for me. My birthday, November 14, is also an anniversary… the anniversary of my younger brother’s death. So, this Monday will be the 13th year anniversary. What is ironic is that I lost him when I was going on 13. I feel as my birthday this year is haunting me. Usually I try to be in a happier mood and rejoice his memory, but not this year.

What kills me even more is that most people in my family are no longer supportive around this time. Apathy has taken a piece of their essence, and I am being labeled as a victim.  I didn’t know depression was the new victim? That is news to me! I am not asking for anyone to be sorry for me, I just need people who care be aware that I am “sensitive” right now. I don’t think that is too much too much to ask. Well, I must depart from my ranting and get back to work. I got so into this that I forgot to clock out for lunch… Oops! 🙂

Drum roll please…

A boisterous, heart on her sleeve kind of woman always helping those  in need. Nice catch line! I don’t give myself enough credit.

I’m at the point in my life where writing in a diary/journal is getting out of hand, and upgrading to digital is where it’s at! Even though that may be how I feel, let’s see how long it can last. I just really need a some form of a catharsis when it comes to “rough patches” in life. I can sing all I want to myself in various locations (ie. car, shower, secluded area, etc.), but a part of me craves more. Hopefully if I dedicate myself to WordPress, I can let go of the daily stress and unwind to a serene state of mind. Only time will tell.

If someone does read this, I am new! And, as far as introductions are concerned: “Hello people of WordPress! I need to put a picture on here ASAP so you know who you are talking to. Other than that, It’s nice to meet you, each and everyone.”

Hello world!

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